Stranded in the Doldrums

Back in the days when Johnny Depp roamed the seas one of the real major threats was not the undead sailors, Kraken, or even Keira Knightley’s lust for men with eyeshadow. The threat was the doldrums – those places in the sea where the trade winds did not flow and the sailors were left with a ship that was unable to move. Drifting silently and imperceptibly for weeks on end. No way to reach a destination. Nowhere to go. Trapped with every supply and every piece of equipment that could be used to sail worldwide, but no way to use it. Sailors sitting, praying it would end facing their own boredom and gradually diminishing supplies.

I am in the doldrums of my own life right now. I have a good job, a great number of blessings, and plenty of resources, but I have nowhere to go with any of it. I see all I want to do, all that I am prepared to do, but I have no way and no calling to do it. And this is not out of laziness – this is because I have no wind. I have the map and I have the bearing, but I have no way to get there.

So instead I have to sit. I have to sit and sit and sit. And then sit some more. On a boat. In the middle of the sea. No land, no hope, but not without supplies. No, the desperation is not stemming from a lack of supplies – it is from a lack of stimulus. Boredom. Monotony. Routine. I may not be on a ship, but I am living in the “real world” – no more of this college idealism (“I’ll graduate, work for a year and then by the time I am 25 I will have made my fortune, brought justice to at least one small country or armed conflict, and am in the process of curing world hunger while also running for office. It will be easy!”). No I go to work every day, come home, and pray that something – ANYTHING – will come along and bring me out of this.

I am praying that something extraordinary will come along and make things interesting again. A gust of wind, a new undiscovered land, or a beautiful woman even if she turns out to be a Siren. Hell even a storm is more welcome than boredom. Because honestly – when you are afraid, in pain, and going through hell you at least know you are alive. You know you are alive and you know that there has to be some purpose for it all – or else why would it be happening? And when you sit in the doldrums, sometimes you wish for a storm to hit, even if that means risking your own life. Or those around you.

I don’t think I even need to say that I don’t wish for bad to come about, well – as long as it doesn’t harm those around me. Myself? Well, to live through suffering means you are living through something.

There is no meaning to life in the doldrums. No identity. No purpose. A sailor is just a man with some rope and some cloth which becomes a line and sail with just a breeze. The ship might as well be an island of limited size and resources. No, in the doldrums removes the usefulness of all things.

So where is God in the doldrums? That is the biggest question of them all. Here I sit, praying quietly, then loudly, then screaming, then crying, then quietly again in a broken whisper for God to just bring me back to life and let me know that I am worth even being tested. But the answer does not come. So I pray more – more diligently, more quietly, I try to listen, I try to pray the right prayer., the wrong prayer, the Lord’s prayer, and the prayers of others. Silence. It is like talking to a mute.

And in my desperation I have found the most unsatisfying of answers. That this is the testing of my faith which will bring perseverance (James 1:2-5). Nothingness. That is the test.

Guess what – I fail. I declare it to the world – I have failed. I am not strong enough to live through this, I am not man enough to look God in the face and say bring it on. Because there is glory in trials. There is glory in tribulation. But there is no glory in the boring parts of our lives. And I guess I seek glory. Or there is some satisfaction to those hard times which we live through – but there is nothing in this nothingness.

So guess what – God won again. And I am still in the doldrums. I’d like to think I am broken completely, but I’m not – I’m just useless and there is a difference. I’d like to think I am humbled, but I am not. I’d like to believe I have learned something and that I have grown., but I haven’t. No I am the same person I was. And I am still trying to trick God into putting wind back into the sails that will allow life to continue.

Maybe if I conquer my vices? Can’t. Failure time and time again. I tried to cut down on my drinking. Can’t. I tried to stop relying on girls for my self worth and see them as sisters but I can’t. I am unable to treat any other human being with love. Unless of course it is about me, I can love anyone who has to do with me. So I failed at that one too. And so on with the other vices – my pride, my lust, my greed, my vanity, and my selfishness.

So here I am in worse shape than before – unable to fix anything in my life and sitting in these damn doldrums. The only thing I have learned? That everything I am and everything I do is about me. My life is wholly selfish and I am incapable of truly loving another person. My relationship with God is selfish. My relationship with others is and always has been selfish. Everything in my life is built around me – the foundation of my life is myself. The rock I stand on is my own greed. And everything I do, I do for me.

There is no happy moral lesson to sum this up. This is just the truth.

I am still in the doldrums. And I think I’m going to be stuck here for a very long time. And I deserve it. I see now that there are few more excruciating things in life than to know God sees you, hears you, and loves you, but is ignoring you. And it may not even be for a purpose. It may simply be that I am not worth listening to anymore. Who could blame the Creator for it?

Maybe if I post this for the world to see, God will fix my arrogance, my idiocy, and my selfishness and change things? No. Probably not. My sins are forgiven by Christ, but my vices control me nonetheless.

I can't see you, so you can't see me! (the spilt milk)

[As always- I am a hypocrite trying to figure out how live for God. "Trying" is the operative word there...]

“Tyler, what did you do?”

“Nothing…” Eyes facing the floor, hands held behind my back and feet fidgeting…

The stern, knowing, and still loving voice repeats the question. More fidgeting on my part, still no eye contact, and finally the admission: that the broken glass of milk on the floor was my fault.

That is how I dealt with screwing up when I was little and my parents approached me about it. I’m pretty sure almost every kid was that way too. We knew we were bad, we knew what we did may get us sent to our room, we couldn’t hide our guilt, but we tried nonetheless. I’m so glad I deal with my problems in a more adult way now… Right?

Well, here I sit knowing full well the things I have done out of total selfishness. And what do I do? I look down. I fidget. I can’t hide my mistakes, but I can’t bear to deal with them either. So I try to avoid thinking about them. And then I try to avoid thinking about God.

Here I am, wishing I could just ignore God, ignore the fact that I am forgiven and blessed just so that I don’t have to look Him in the eye and tell Him what I did wrong. And here I am acknowledging the fact that I messed up and I am wrong but I am forgiven… if I will just look Him in the eye, admit my mistake, and apologize. But I still can’t. I am still five-year-old Tyler and despite the fact that my Father knows what I did and will not stop loving me, I just can’t look up. I haven’t been able to for days.

I’m a little boy in the corner with his hands over his eyes not wanting to face the broken glass of milk. So I turn “invisible” despite the fact that it is really just a glass of milk. If I own up to it, everything will be fine – the floor gets cleaned and no one gets cut on the shards. But if I don’t own up do it then I get in bigger trouble. Bigger trouble for avoiding it, lying about it, or maybe someone will even get hurt because I am too afraid. But what am I afraid of? The possibility that I have finally gone too far and my parents will be angry, truly angry at me for literally spilt milk.

Sounds a bit ridiculous right? But it is what I do every day. Instead of just facing my mistakes, I delve into my escapes. Friends, work, tv, video games, and so on will all distract me enough that I don’t have to go to God with my mistakes. And then they build up. So I distract myself more. And it becomes a cycle. Why?

When I was little and I got scared or nervous, I would close my eyes – if I can’t see you then you can’t see me, right? Because really, if I can’t see God maybe He can’t see me; if I keep distracting myself maybe He will be distracted too?

And it totally works… Just like our parents fell for that every time… Just like our avoiding eye contact really let us get away with lying to them… right? Okay, not so much…

What is funny is that when I was little and caught in those situations, I always wanted to tell my parents what I did wrong. I was just so afraid of the consequences. And here I am with God, in the same situation. Clearly I can hide from the omniscient, omnipotent Creator. And clearly if I tell Him what I did He will, despite His ultimate sacrifice, refuse to forgive me, hate me, and then ignore my existence.

It is funny how my mistakes become an insane cycle. I sin and then I avoid God because I am ashamed and afraid. So I sin more to avoid God, which makes me more ashamed and more afraid. And so on. When this entire time He is just sitting there as an eternally patient parent waiting for me to just look Him in the eye, say “Abba it’s my fault, I spilt the milk and I’m sorry.”

And what will He do? Well my guess is He will do what any other parent would do. Say simply “Son, its just a glass of milk! I still love you! It’s already taken care of.” And then here is the part that really hurts me because of my answer. He would ask “but why were you afraid to tell me?”

Because I am ashamed. That is why. And because maybe if I ignore my mistakes, then you will do… Maybe if I avoid you, you will ignore my screw-ups.

Because if I can’t see you then you can’t see me… right?

All this over a glass of spilt milk…

Looking for a Fix

[I really don’t know what I am talking about. I can’t follow my own advice. But I am trying despite my hypocrisy. But I am not an example; I’m just trying to figure this out for myself]

I want to sin. I need to sin.

You know how the old saying that “I would rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints?” You know the stereotypical upright Christian family – think 7th Heaven without any actual drama. Think of the person always trying to not sin. What do they have in common?

It is boring. But more than that. It is stifling. And that is where I am right now. I am trying to get a grip on two parts of my life that have been out of control. But in reeling in these excesses, after only a week, I feel completely pent up.

The strangest thing? I am literally looking for an outlet, for a way in which I can sin without actually causing any damage. I want to shed the rules, say screw it, and just relax and be free. Id vs. Superego. Classic struggle.

Here I am finding myself looking for an outlet. I have actually wondered “how can I sin in such a way that is not as bad?” Well, none. It’s black or white issue. So what am I supposed to do? Because I feel so pent in, so constrained!

Isn’t this sad? I know the truth. I know that the 10 Commandments are, in the end, of benefit to us, just as all of the other directions God gives. I know that I will make myself miserable if I jump into bad habits all over again.

But I feel like I will go insane if I try to be perfect all the time. That, or I will have to become either a monk/total recluse and hide myself from the world!

Yet to believe in Christ’s sacrifice and then sin intentionally would be an insult and hypocritical. Wouldn’t it?

Luther says this: “Whenever the devil harasses you, seek the company of men or drink more, or joke and talk nonsense, or do some other merry thing. Sometimes we must drink more, sport, recreate ourselves, and even sin a little to spite the devil, so that we leave him no place for troubling our consciences with trifles. We are conquered if we try too conscientiously not to sin at all. So when the devil says to you: do not drink, answer him: I will drink, and right freely, just because you tell me not to.” -Martin Luther
[From a great article found on http://www.internetmonk.com/archive/a-luther-quote-to-wake-up-the-sleepers . (Thanks to Brian Hamm for inadvertently showing me this)]

Honestly, I struggle with this quote from Luther. But he makes a great and important point.

Trying to be perfect is a sin in itself, because it is seeking to be as great as God. In the pursuit of perfection we unintentionally seek to take God’s glory for ourselves and be equal with Him.

At the same time we must be careful not to act in a way that estranges us from God. Those are the sins we must be careful of – the idols in our lives, anything that hinders our ability to move toward God.

That is all I can figure out. The sins to beware, the sins that are truly deadly are the ones that have the ability to control and define us. And they must be avoided, because those are what keep us from God. They are unique to each person. I call them idols because they have supplanted God in my heart. I have finally decided to try and change them, but I am struggling (and I only just started).

So, as they say, don’t sweat the small stuff. We are forgiven – now go live your life! But don’t do something that will turn you away from Christ. These idols become a disease in our lives, and not just spiritually. We are all alcoholics, it just is not always booze that is that force in our lives. It could be money, status, or any other addiction. Often, it is subtle – very subtle. For me, it is women - the way I base my identity and self worth on them and their affection. I define myself not through Christ but through their affections. And the result – my relationship with God suffers. But it has taken a long time for me to realize and see that. And because it defines me, it can control me.

Idolatry, in this sense, is a topic close to my heart and I hope to write more on it someday. But for now, all we can do is struggle to identify the things that hurt our closeness with God. And try to fix that, but never allow ourselves to be consumed with guilt. Guilt is another idol – because we are too proud to accept God’s forgiveness so we require our own sick penance. We are forgiven. In every moment of every day. So breathe deep and don’t sweat the small stuff, just don’t take your eyes and heart off the Cross.

Abraham's Knife

[Just to be honest and clear, I am not wise and I have no special gift. I know nothing and I am a hypocrite. I am just trying to understand God and what it means to follow Him. That is why I am writing]

Abraham’s Knife

--…Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son. - Gen 22:12--

Many of us are familiar with the story of Abraham and the sacrifice of Isaac. This verse is from that story - God has told Abraham to sacrifice his only son, his only heir. The reason? None given.

How cruel!! How horrible! How can a God of love and peace demand that an old man (over 100 at this point) kill his only beloved son!? Now, Sarah had just sent away Ishmael, Abraham’s first son. So after that, Isaac is his only son left. The only one. And there won’t be any more too – Isaac is named for Abraham and Sarah’s laughter at God’s promise that they would be able to have a child at their age. And then Isaac is born, Ishmael is sent away, and God demands Isaac’s life as a sacrifice. Leaving Abraham with nothing. Yes, that sounds like the demands of a God of love...

Isaac was Abraham’s whole life. Everything. Isaac was the personification of the covenant that God made with Abraham, the embodiment of God’s promise to Abraham, and His grace. And then what does God do? He demands it back. He gives Abraham what Abraham desires most, and then calls it back. And the next morning, Abraham is setting off to the mountain to sacrifice his own child. Can you imagine that walk? Imagine the pain that every step must have caused, the wrenching fear of reaching the summit. It took three days to reach that point – ample time to turn around. Plenty of time for Abraham to say “God, this is messed up. No deal.” But he doesn’t. Step by step he moves forward.

And then, at the site where the sacrifice is to take place, Isaac asks what could be the most painful question Abraham has ever heard. “Where is the lamb for the offering?”

“The Lord will provide.” That is the response. That? Sounds like Abraham is trying to convince himself more than anything! And then he has to prepare his own son to be sacrificed, he has to raise the knife, and only when he has committed himself fully, only when his hand is being brought down does an angel hold him back.

This story bothers me. It bothers me to no end and I expect it to bother anyone who reads it. Why? Because of the utter cruelty of the situation. The total pain. Does following God really mean that we have to sacrifice that which is most precious to us? To be take something we don’t think we could live without, the person that embodies our future, hopes, and love and sacrifice it?

Did God demand Abraham sacrifice Isaac? Or did God demand Abraham’s willingness to do so?

Abraham is the Biblical model of faith (and note he still doesn’t do it right all the time). But Abraham’s faith and surrender to God is an example to all believers. It is Abraham’s willingness to go so far in order to follow God that makes him this model. Abraham is bringing the knife down and with not a second to spare, his hand is held back. Abraham was probably more willing to kill himself than his own son.

We must be willing to give to God the most precious parts of our life. What God does with it? Well that is the insanely scary part of faith.

BUT God is not saying that He will destroy all we love simply because we love it nor is this saying that He demands such an act on our part! Not at all!! What God is telling Abraham is that in the end, it is not about you and you have to trust Him.

Well here is the kicker – here is the truly humbling part of this. When I read this story and think of the cruelty of this test, I am angry. I am furious, indignant, and afraid. Very afraid. I am upset because the God of love that I believe in would not act in such a way!... Would he? Well, read this taunt, hear the sarcasm and bitterness in it:

--“He trusts in God. Let God rescue him now if he wants him, for he said, ‘I am the Son of God.’” In the same way the robbers who were crucified with him also heaped insults on him. – Mt 27:43-44--

Abraham’s knife was raised again to sacrifice another son, but it was not held back that time. Yes. God would do something so seemingly cruel as to demand the sacrifice of a son. But that demand is only of himself, of his own son, and we are spared for it.

We must be willing to have the faith of Abraham. But, honestly, we have it easier than he did. Abraham, as the knife was held back, saw a ram in a thicket – the sacrifice to replace Isaac. It was not until that moment did Abraham know that God would spare them both. But whatever happens to us, we already know that the price has been paid.

This story of Abraham is more than an example of faith. This is help us empathize with the pain that must have afflicted God in allowing his only son to be sacrificed. In the end, that sacrifice is not demanded of us. We won’t need to give up our most valuable possession just because it is something we love. But we do need to grasp the depth of this sacrifice by understanding the pain of such a sacrifice if we had do. And then know that it was done for you and I.

So what is demanded of us? Look at the verse again.

--…Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son. - Gen 22:12--

Look at the word withheld. Think of the things we value in our lives so much that we hold them back for fear they will go away. God wants us to be totally open with him. God wants us to trust Him because in the end, the debt has been paid.
He is saying “don’t hold back from me because you are afraid. Trust me, I’ve got you covered.” Don’t be the person only half in this relationship. Don’t hold back anything, even the things you are afraid of losing. Because the funny thing about His love for us, is that what we love He loves. What we cherish, He cherishes. So don’t be afraid to hold back. He has already made that horribly painful sacrifice so we won't have to. And He did it because He wants us to be able to be with Him. Who are we to say no to that by not going all in?

Christ is not an oil change

(2011-01-24)

I know nothing. I am not wise, I am not intelligent, and I am not particularly gifted. I will say that now.

But don’t lie to yourself, Christ is NOT just an “oil change.“ People – this is NOT Chritianity.

Here is the context.

A well spoken man in a tan or light gray suit was standing at the pulpit preaching today and all I could hear was him saying God in a strange way. “We worship Him because He is the Servant King! Imagine, a Gawd” I cringe, “who washes your feet for you! The Creator of the Universe chose to wash His disciples’ feet – what an amazing Gawd” cringe “that is!”

But it did not take long for me to realize why I was actually cringing. This preacher with the plastic smile, perfect intonation, and the same message I had heard twice a year about this passage was empty. There was no passion. No love, no joy, no excitement. Nothing. No his sermon was about a smooth transition into something called a “Mercy Offering.” What is that? No it is not a chance to forgive those who have wronged you, or a chance to donate to a charity. It is the chance to give to the church again! Twice in one service!? THAT is what the whole message was about??

God is so much more than these pastors and preachers seem to make Him out to be! God is passionate, God is powerful! And He wants us to be drunk off of his glory. David did it – David danced like a moron in front of his people because he was praising God. Think about how genuine that is. And then think of this televangelist wannabe who counts the souls he had saved.

We need spiritual leaders who are not there to look good, sound nice, and make us walk away feeling like the world is sunshine and rainbows (if we give a Mercy Offering that is). Bring me an awkward man who stammers over his words, who says something real and personal about God, and who is not afraid to say what is honest! I’m not talking about fire and brimstone, I am talking about someone who is passionate. Truly, and absolutely passionate about God!

I mean think about how our Services are lacking. We hear the same eight stories every year (okay maybe ten stories). What about the tough issues in our lives? And again, I am not talking about fire and brimstone, sending people to hell. I think that is crap. But here is what I do mean.

Following God demands sacrifice. God did not die on that cross so we could live our lives as we would have normally. We are justified through faith, but faith appears in our works. Faith is a burden, a constant struggle with whether God exists and how to follow Him – truly follow Him. None of this “pray and read your Bible every day” crap. God calls us to a higher bidding, one that is exciting but terrifying. We are called to give up our very lives to Him. And you know what – no one knows how to do that.
That is the point. This pastor who spoke compared Christ’s forgiveness to an oil change. And that is exactly the problem with the message these days. Because as long as you clean out the bad every few months and then go on doing the same thing until you need to do it again, you are set. Right?

NO!!

Christ’s forgiveness is not an oil change! Christ’s forgiveness is a new engine, a new transmission, a new car, a new road, and a new direction. We are not here to just clean out the gunk once in a while. We have been given an opportunity at a new life, but that new life is not ours unless we live it.

So don’t claim we can just be forgiven and move on. That is not being a Christian. That is a bad line that is used to just gain easy support. Being a Christian means we have to find out what it means to follow God for ourselves and as God reveals himself to us, we follow. That means giving up the things we keep rationalizing as good (but we know is not), that means being willing to give up on our dreams and aspirations. They may still happen, but we have to accept they may not. It means surrendering.
Being a Christian is a constant challenge, a constant struggle, and we choose that. That is how it is supposed to be, because in the end that is the cost of believing and trying to live out that belief.

I am not here to say who is and who is not a Christian. I am the worst Christian I know, and many can attest to that. I am a hypocrite. We all are.

But I can say that I do not delude myself in thinking that I’m a Christian if I just pray for forgiveness when I sin and that’s it. Jesus did not die to make our lives more convenient. Jesus died to transform us.

So what I am saying is that we must embrace that new life because it is truly wonderful. I fall short daily and constantly, but I am better for trying. And I am happier for it. Struggles and challenges are in our lives to enrich us. Not to hinder us. If we just do what is always convenient, we will never do anything.