Looking for a Fix

[I really don’t know what I am talking about. I can’t follow my own advice. But I am trying despite my hypocrisy. But I am not an example; I’m just trying to figure this out for myself]

I want to sin. I need to sin.

You know how the old saying that “I would rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints?” You know the stereotypical upright Christian family – think 7th Heaven without any actual drama. Think of the person always trying to not sin. What do they have in common?

It is boring. But more than that. It is stifling. And that is where I am right now. I am trying to get a grip on two parts of my life that have been out of control. But in reeling in these excesses, after only a week, I feel completely pent up.

The strangest thing? I am literally looking for an outlet, for a way in which I can sin without actually causing any damage. I want to shed the rules, say screw it, and just relax and be free. Id vs. Superego. Classic struggle.

Here I am finding myself looking for an outlet. I have actually wondered “how can I sin in such a way that is not as bad?” Well, none. It’s black or white issue. So what am I supposed to do? Because I feel so pent in, so constrained!

Isn’t this sad? I know the truth. I know that the 10 Commandments are, in the end, of benefit to us, just as all of the other directions God gives. I know that I will make myself miserable if I jump into bad habits all over again.

But I feel like I will go insane if I try to be perfect all the time. That, or I will have to become either a monk/total recluse and hide myself from the world!

Yet to believe in Christ’s sacrifice and then sin intentionally would be an insult and hypocritical. Wouldn’t it?

Luther says this: “Whenever the devil harasses you, seek the company of men or drink more, or joke and talk nonsense, or do some other merry thing. Sometimes we must drink more, sport, recreate ourselves, and even sin a little to spite the devil, so that we leave him no place for troubling our consciences with trifles. We are conquered if we try too conscientiously not to sin at all. So when the devil says to you: do not drink, answer him: I will drink, and right freely, just because you tell me not to.” -Martin Luther
[From a great article found on http://www.internetmonk.com/archive/a-luther-quote-to-wake-up-the-sleepers . (Thanks to Brian Hamm for inadvertently showing me this)]

Honestly, I struggle with this quote from Luther. But he makes a great and important point.

Trying to be perfect is a sin in itself, because it is seeking to be as great as God. In the pursuit of perfection we unintentionally seek to take God’s glory for ourselves and be equal with Him.

At the same time we must be careful not to act in a way that estranges us from God. Those are the sins we must be careful of – the idols in our lives, anything that hinders our ability to move toward God.

That is all I can figure out. The sins to beware, the sins that are truly deadly are the ones that have the ability to control and define us. And they must be avoided, because those are what keep us from God. They are unique to each person. I call them idols because they have supplanted God in my heart. I have finally decided to try and change them, but I am struggling (and I only just started).

So, as they say, don’t sweat the small stuff. We are forgiven – now go live your life! But don’t do something that will turn you away from Christ. These idols become a disease in our lives, and not just spiritually. We are all alcoholics, it just is not always booze that is that force in our lives. It could be money, status, or any other addiction. Often, it is subtle – very subtle. For me, it is women - the way I base my identity and self worth on them and their affection. I define myself not through Christ but through their affections. And the result – my relationship with God suffers. But it has taken a long time for me to realize and see that. And because it defines me, it can control me.

Idolatry, in this sense, is a topic close to my heart and I hope to write more on it someday. But for now, all we can do is struggle to identify the things that hurt our closeness with God. And try to fix that, but never allow ourselves to be consumed with guilt. Guilt is another idol – because we are too proud to accept God’s forgiveness so we require our own sick penance. We are forgiven. In every moment of every day. So breathe deep and don’t sweat the small stuff, just don’t take your eyes and heart off the Cross.