Stranded in the Doldrums

Back in the days when Johnny Depp roamed the seas one of the real major threats was not the undead sailors, Kraken, or even Keira Knightley’s lust for men with eyeshadow. The threat was the doldrums – those places in the sea where the trade winds did not flow and the sailors were left with a ship that was unable to move. Drifting silently and imperceptibly for weeks on end. No way to reach a destination. Nowhere to go. Trapped with every supply and every piece of equipment that could be used to sail worldwide, but no way to use it. Sailors sitting, praying it would end facing their own boredom and gradually diminishing supplies.

I am in the doldrums of my own life right now. I have a good job, a great number of blessings, and plenty of resources, but I have nowhere to go with any of it. I see all I want to do, all that I am prepared to do, but I have no way and no calling to do it. And this is not out of laziness – this is because I have no wind. I have the map and I have the bearing, but I have no way to get there.

So instead I have to sit. I have to sit and sit and sit. And then sit some more. On a boat. In the middle of the sea. No land, no hope, but not without supplies. No, the desperation is not stemming from a lack of supplies – it is from a lack of stimulus. Boredom. Monotony. Routine. I may not be on a ship, but I am living in the “real world” – no more of this college idealism (“I’ll graduate, work for a year and then by the time I am 25 I will have made my fortune, brought justice to at least one small country or armed conflict, and am in the process of curing world hunger while also running for office. It will be easy!”). No I go to work every day, come home, and pray that something – ANYTHING – will come along and bring me out of this.

I am praying that something extraordinary will come along and make things interesting again. A gust of wind, a new undiscovered land, or a beautiful woman even if she turns out to be a Siren. Hell even a storm is more welcome than boredom. Because honestly – when you are afraid, in pain, and going through hell you at least know you are alive. You know you are alive and you know that there has to be some purpose for it all – or else why would it be happening? And when you sit in the doldrums, sometimes you wish for a storm to hit, even if that means risking your own life. Or those around you.

I don’t think I even need to say that I don’t wish for bad to come about, well – as long as it doesn’t harm those around me. Myself? Well, to live through suffering means you are living through something.

There is no meaning to life in the doldrums. No identity. No purpose. A sailor is just a man with some rope and some cloth which becomes a line and sail with just a breeze. The ship might as well be an island of limited size and resources. No, in the doldrums removes the usefulness of all things.

So where is God in the doldrums? That is the biggest question of them all. Here I sit, praying quietly, then loudly, then screaming, then crying, then quietly again in a broken whisper for God to just bring me back to life and let me know that I am worth even being tested. But the answer does not come. So I pray more – more diligently, more quietly, I try to listen, I try to pray the right prayer., the wrong prayer, the Lord’s prayer, and the prayers of others. Silence. It is like talking to a mute.

And in my desperation I have found the most unsatisfying of answers. That this is the testing of my faith which will bring perseverance (James 1:2-5). Nothingness. That is the test.

Guess what – I fail. I declare it to the world – I have failed. I am not strong enough to live through this, I am not man enough to look God in the face and say bring it on. Because there is glory in trials. There is glory in tribulation. But there is no glory in the boring parts of our lives. And I guess I seek glory. Or there is some satisfaction to those hard times which we live through – but there is nothing in this nothingness.

So guess what – God won again. And I am still in the doldrums. I’d like to think I am broken completely, but I’m not – I’m just useless and there is a difference. I’d like to think I am humbled, but I am not. I’d like to believe I have learned something and that I have grown., but I haven’t. No I am the same person I was. And I am still trying to trick God into putting wind back into the sails that will allow life to continue.

Maybe if I conquer my vices? Can’t. Failure time and time again. I tried to cut down on my drinking. Can’t. I tried to stop relying on girls for my self worth and see them as sisters but I can’t. I am unable to treat any other human being with love. Unless of course it is about me, I can love anyone who has to do with me. So I failed at that one too. And so on with the other vices – my pride, my lust, my greed, my vanity, and my selfishness.

So here I am in worse shape than before – unable to fix anything in my life and sitting in these damn doldrums. The only thing I have learned? That everything I am and everything I do is about me. My life is wholly selfish and I am incapable of truly loving another person. My relationship with God is selfish. My relationship with others is and always has been selfish. Everything in my life is built around me – the foundation of my life is myself. The rock I stand on is my own greed. And everything I do, I do for me.

There is no happy moral lesson to sum this up. This is just the truth.

I am still in the doldrums. And I think I’m going to be stuck here for a very long time. And I deserve it. I see now that there are few more excruciating things in life than to know God sees you, hears you, and loves you, but is ignoring you. And it may not even be for a purpose. It may simply be that I am not worth listening to anymore. Who could blame the Creator for it?

Maybe if I post this for the world to see, God will fix my arrogance, my idiocy, and my selfishness and change things? No. Probably not. My sins are forgiven by Christ, but my vices control me nonetheless.